If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho