Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

marvel comics have peaked

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Cannot stop laughing at this

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.