Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.