Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.