Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

lol

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room