If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Hoping to spice up my evening
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or