If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
the battle rages on
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
*me flirting
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit