Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table