Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*