if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.