If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
wow he looks just like him
reminder
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring