If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.