If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
me refusing to leave twitter
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day