@shkeeber

If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?

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@itcorru

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

@Reverend_Scott

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

@robots_feel

teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art

@SatansTongue

*snail Olympics*
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?
“What”

@RodLacroix

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

@AtticusFinch79

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

@sir_shithead_I

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

@D2BMcG

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”