If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?

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him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that


What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat


I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?


teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art


*snail Olympics*
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?


Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.


Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.


Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.


My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”