If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
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Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
😏😏😏
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get