If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
