If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”