If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts