If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.