@earnestaugust

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

- @earnestaugust

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@noog

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@TheTweetOfGod

Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time

@hazelmotes1

Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@RyDoon

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

@CalinJugarean

Diet and exercise pro tip:

Eat only on the days you are going to have sex.

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.