Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel