Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.