If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Voting for coroner
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”