If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
i actually laughed 😩
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular