Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

im 7 sauces long

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

i will not be silenced

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]