If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
They got a point!
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
This hospital has everything
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.