Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

🚲+physics = winner

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

“I wouldn’t.”