Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Stop.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.