Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.