If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
March 16
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
We decided to have money instead of children.