If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
S O O N
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”