If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
This is enough internet for the day.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My husband educating me about Kendrick Lamar: This song is supposed to be a diss against Drake.
Me: First of all, what’s a Drake?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.