If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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be careful
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Any refunds available?…
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
We’ve come full circle
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Look Ma, no handle on things
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.