If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
sleeping beauty
Word!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.