Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait