If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
“No way.” -Jose
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM