If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”