If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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*has no idea what a book even is*
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
[eats all your cotton candy]
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).