If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here