If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.