Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Found my door mat

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!