If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
is nasa ok
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler