If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Morning.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
hand it over!
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.