This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy
& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.
If Earth was a rented apartment, ain’t NOOOO WAAAAAY we’re getting our security deposit back.
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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Why did I laugh so hard tho ? 😂😂
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call