so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
this country is so goddamn polarized
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
(Gaming support cat.)
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.