if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes