if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
You Might Also Like
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
based al yankovic
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish