if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund