If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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how it started vs how it ended
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.