If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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i wish i could marry a nap
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
TRAIN’S HERE
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Hell yeah 👍
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
shit just got real
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick