If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
do you like vampires?
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