If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Omg 🤣
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.