Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

😲 WTF? 😆

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023