If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan