If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]