Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

This could be us but you eatin’

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.