Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

HOW DARE YOU

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?