If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming