Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

lol

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

🫡

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

first you must answer his riddles

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.