If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”