If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut