If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Better luck next time champ
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.