Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?