If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
You Might Also Like
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
a badder mouse
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.