if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it