Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha