Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL