If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Florida man
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse