Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀