If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?