Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.