Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Owl Sanctuary

somebody come look at this

Carpe DM

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?