Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Does this dress make me look cat?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.